Damn. I have my own gym equipment (power rack, weights, and a treadmill) nothing fancy. For the exact reason of avoiding being observed by writer. Haha I think you nailed pretty much every type of “gym personality” there is.
We have a bloke in our gym who commandeers the pushy legs apart and the squeezy legs together machines then does about 30 seconds on each before standing behind them and breathing heavily whilst drinking out of one of those ridiculously big water bottles. He's got such an aggressive aura that no one dares go near him
I was a diligent weightlifter and such when I was thirty or so. A mere thirty years ago! I was very careful to go at the time when firefighters and other serious folk were there and NOT during the hellish Busy Time when I was likely to get stared at, or have to wait for my beloved rowing machine. Good times! Your assessments seem spot on for these terrifying days.
I don't see my cohort--trying to stay out of physical therapy again and trying to justify having both a cheeseburger and a beer after the workout--but maybe we only come out in the evening, between the office and cheesburgers.
Sort of funny, mostly unrecognizable. Have you actually ever spoken to someone in your gym? It’s not hard, not everyone will respond but it provides more than an extremely superficial projection of inexperienced practice of how communal exercise works in reality.
I’m the hulking 5’9” older male with 21” biceps and 34” waist who doesn’t actually noticeably sweat (ABCC11 - AA recessive genotype), has familial flat male ass, notices familiar faces with a nod, introduces himself quietly to new people when they share equipment and makes brief polite small talk during pauses.
From your post it feels like you’re the new person who is socially awkward, perhaps glares a lot, and hasn’t yet mastered (you will) the light social touch which is the lubricant which helps make a gym experience fluid and pleasant.
Loved reading this - I have taken a solemn vow never to set foot in a gym again but am almost tempted just to see if there’s any “Influencers” with tripods getting upset at people walking through their shots 😬 Did Athleta Barbie have a camera going?!
Feb 25·edited Feb 25Liked by Michael Marshall Smith
Over the years I have been a member of at least half of these groups, although I look forward to being an Athleta Barbie...
As a double degree educated chap, it was only natural that my career progression should take me down the path that lead me to taking jobs that involved picking up heavy things and then putting them down somewhere else. As a cask racker with a brewery, I once had to lift 55 tonnes of cask into pallets in 7hrs.
Now I pick up granite and slate, usually covered in mud, off the ground and make Cornish Hedges out of them.
On building sites I am often surrounded by younger, fitter people who try and avoid doing any kind of graft as they are saving themselves for a heavy session at the gym. It gets I mad!
If I were to go to the gym nowadays I would perhaps veer into the subculture of "The Batty's". This group consists of, usually older, men and women, who look disdainfully at everything surrounding them and their face looks like the physicalisation of the word "tut". They have forged their souls like they have forged their bodies, in the fires of self sacrifice and and altruism.
Love this piece! Gyms are great places for writers. Highly recommend going before the sun comes up. It’s a whole different experience and crowd. Don’t know if I could do that anymore, at least not consistently, but also don’t want to.
GYM LICE! Yes, they do about ten pushes or pulls on the one pushmepullyou machine you think you actually want to use and then sit there, heads down, studiously avoiding iContact except with iPhone. Unless you have the kind of intimidating physique that doesn't need to be in the gym in the first place, it's pointless to glower at them. They're unglowerable.
A new species has recently emerged, the CIRCUIT BREAKERS. They are male, pale, far from hale and usually come in pairs. They're under doctor's (and their life partners') orders to do Circuits to stave off the next heart attack, stroke or other event that will ineluctably result from disobedience to said orders. Most people who do circuits expend energy in timed bursts before moving steadily from one tedious machine to the next. Circuit Breakers find a nice comfortable machine where one can sit and chat to the other about last night's streaming programme, then when time's up, they move to the next one and it's then the sitter's turn to stand and the stander ... yes, you get it.
Speaking as someone who has spent a rather inordinate amount of time in gyms, I find your classification system disturbingly accurate.
Love this piece. Very true.
Damn. I have my own gym equipment (power rack, weights, and a treadmill) nothing fancy. For the exact reason of avoiding being observed by writer. Haha I think you nailed pretty much every type of “gym personality” there is.
We have a bloke in our gym who commandeers the pushy legs apart and the squeezy legs together machines then does about 30 seconds on each before standing behind them and breathing heavily whilst drinking out of one of those ridiculously big water bottles. He's got such an aggressive aura that no one dares go near him
Excellent.
I was a diligent weightlifter and such when I was thirty or so. A mere thirty years ago! I was very careful to go at the time when firefighters and other serious folk were there and NOT during the hellish Busy Time when I was likely to get stared at, or have to wait for my beloved rowing machine. Good times! Your assessments seem spot on for these terrifying days.
I don't see my cohort--trying to stay out of physical therapy again and trying to justify having both a cheeseburger and a beer after the workout--but maybe we only come out in the evening, between the office and cheesburgers.
Sort of funny, mostly unrecognizable. Have you actually ever spoken to someone in your gym? It’s not hard, not everyone will respond but it provides more than an extremely superficial projection of inexperienced practice of how communal exercise works in reality.
I’m the hulking 5’9” older male with 21” biceps and 34” waist who doesn’t actually noticeably sweat (ABCC11 - AA recessive genotype), has familial flat male ass, notices familiar faces with a nod, introduces himself quietly to new people when they share equipment and makes brief polite small talk during pauses.
From your post it feels like you’re the new person who is socially awkward, perhaps glares a lot, and hasn’t yet mastered (you will) the light social touch which is the lubricant which helps make a gym experience fluid and pleasant.
Loved reading this - I have taken a solemn vow never to set foot in a gym again but am almost tempted just to see if there’s any “Influencers” with tripods getting upset at people walking through their shots 😬 Did Athleta Barbie have a camera going?!
Interesting. I wouldn’t know what the inside of a gym looks like b/c I sit on my ass all day reading what writers write. 😂
Over the years I have been a member of at least half of these groups, although I look forward to being an Athleta Barbie...
As a double degree educated chap, it was only natural that my career progression should take me down the path that lead me to taking jobs that involved picking up heavy things and then putting them down somewhere else. As a cask racker with a brewery, I once had to lift 55 tonnes of cask into pallets in 7hrs.
Now I pick up granite and slate, usually covered in mud, off the ground and make Cornish Hedges out of them.
On building sites I am often surrounded by younger, fitter people who try and avoid doing any kind of graft as they are saving themselves for a heavy session at the gym. It gets I mad!
If I were to go to the gym nowadays I would perhaps veer into the subculture of "The Batty's". This group consists of, usually older, men and women, who look disdainfully at everything surrounding them and their face looks like the physicalisation of the word "tut". They have forged their souls like they have forged their bodies, in the fires of self sacrifice and and altruism.
"I have seen things you wouldn't believe..."
my wife says I look like a twat...
Love this piece! Gyms are great places for writers. Highly recommend going before the sun comes up. It’s a whole different experience and crowd. Don’t know if I could do that anymore, at least not consistently, but also don’t want to.
GYM LICE! Yes, they do about ten pushes or pulls on the one pushmepullyou machine you think you actually want to use and then sit there, heads down, studiously avoiding iContact except with iPhone. Unless you have the kind of intimidating physique that doesn't need to be in the gym in the first place, it's pointless to glower at them. They're unglowerable.
A new species has recently emerged, the CIRCUIT BREAKERS. They are male, pale, far from hale and usually come in pairs. They're under doctor's (and their life partners') orders to do Circuits to stave off the next heart attack, stroke or other event that will ineluctably result from disobedience to said orders. Most people who do circuits expend energy in timed bursts before moving steadily from one tedious machine to the next. Circuit Breakers find a nice comfortable machine where one can sit and chat to the other about last night's streaming programme, then when time's up, they move to the next one and it's then the sitter's turn to stand and the stander ... yes, you get it.
You have the slackers in the US as well? They make as much sende as ballet and synchronized swimming.
Too funny. You forgot me, the guy who exercises in street clothes.