Thank you so much for those words: they have genuinely touched me.
Yes, the transition of a boy into a young man is both wonderful and heard to watch. How often have I wished I could have the little guy back, just for an afternoon. But it's more than recompense to see the independent person he's becoming, who will have new things to show and teach me as the baton of the future is gradually handed over.
I'm very fortunate to have nothing but great memories of my father, and also my mother, who died twenty years ago. My job now is to make sure that my son can say the same of me ;-)
I'm mostly listening to Spanish flamenco or flamenco/jazz fusion,in straight flamenco im digging Cameron De La Isla...I bought La Leyenda del Tiempo,its his attempt to fuse traditional flamenco with rock music,its an acquired taste but excellent.
Michael, you are a good man. Your dad knew it, and your son knows it. Even your missus knows it, despite her occasional protestations to the contrary! That's about as much as any of us can aspire to in this life. Be proud.
My mum died 17 years ago on Tues,even as I type I can feel tears welling,she died hard and in agony apart from her last hours,young too at 62.
In 4 more years I'll be that age,im not sure I want to go past it.
If I do I'll be swearing a lot-she once told me I could swear all I liked when im older than her.
I never really recovered from her death and now cry at the most ridiculous things-when Ted got torn in two in the movie TED,I was at a mates and they were all most amused at the tears running down my face.
Even just writing THIS has me bubbling ffs,anyway that looks like a job coming up so I got to go.
It's odd how it seems to create a well of grief that can be accessed by things that don't seem related. I suspect, in some way or other, that's a good thing. Hard though it can be at the time. And I feel you on the older-than thing: we must be the same age, as my mother died at 63, and I've only got five more years before that...
Jul 21, 2023·edited Jul 21, 2023Liked by Michael Marshall Smith
First of all, a year and a half is NOTHING when you lose someone you really love. It took me a good 3 years after my partner Steve died suddenly before that constant pain (usually low level with occasional awful peaks) starts to clear enough to allow little blue patches in the storm clouds. To watch a brave, articulate, strong man going through the process in real time, right now, follow Richard E. Grant on Instagram. His wife implored him to find 'little pockets of happiness' each day, no matter what. He's trying. It's so moving. After a few years the blue patches get bigger and more frequent and for me, it happened around the 5-6 year mark.
My sister Heather Cairncross has been singing Bach regularly with the Monteverdi Choir for many years now. (She also sings avant-garde modern British Music with Steve Reich, and Jazz with her own album). Sir John Eliot Gardner and his choir have been voted the 'Best Choir In The World' many times. I well remember my sister, brother and I falling asleep in Pisa Cathedral after a long boozy pasta lunch in the most amazing little 'hole in the wall' restaurant. She could see us all snoring away from the stage! Would you like me to ask for some recommendations?
The writers strike sounds terrible. I really don't understand how they really think AI will be able to replace human creativity. They'll try but there will be no soul.
Empty Nest syndrome is a real thing. It's not so much when they leave home (although adjustments will have to be made). I love your analogy of the series carrying on but shifting you and your wife back into centre stage. No, the real empty nest feeling comes when they meet their future life partner and you realise they are not relying on you anymore as confidantes and a second compass for life.
Tough times all round. I found the only thing that gets me through is creativity. Getting something out into the world that wasn't there before.
That's the thing that keeps me going, too. I'm so sorry you went through that with your partner: that's very, very hard — something I shudder to even contemplate.
I feel you're going to be right about the life-partner thing: that shift from being their bedrock to someone else occupying that position... and then eventually, it's their turn to look after you. Strange road we all end up walking down in our lives. But there's fun along the way.
If your sister has recommendations for choral Bach then I'd love to hear them! I know the piano and violin stuff passing well, but there's so much else out there to love...
And if you like old style jazz vocals you will enjoy her album. You can listen on the website first. Visit https://heathercairncross.com/ (then click album). There's info about other world class classical stuff she performs, you might also enjoy the Steve Reich - it's oddly addictive.
Yes, it knocked me for six. All the cliches are true, it's psychic agony, so absolutely FINAL. They are so 100% GONE. 'Gone' is the word that kept echoing around my head, like a deep lone bell tolling over and over again. I wandered around my home town for six months, then someone offered me the loan of their house in Greece and my sister and I went to live there for six months. I stayed on afterwards for a few years, on and off. It definitely helped, changing my surroundings. Especially going to an ancient, rugged, beautiful landscape like The Mani, in Greece, just down the road from Sparta. When you know Helen of Troy has sailed up and down the Bay of Messinia and the 300 lived and trained years before, it kinda puts one death - no matter how important to me - in perspective.
He's struggling bravely and eloquently, I wish he was writing daily as well, so therapeutic. He did write a book and take it on tour, so perhaps that's helping. I hope so.
Barra Barra! Haven’t heard that in ages! I have been cancelling my streaming sites (I hardly ever use them anyway) and stating the reason Other: pay your writers! I’m not sure what more one can do to help.
Grief is strange like that - but at some point I found that while you still get the feeling and it’s overwhelming it becomes a “gentle” reminder of the person and even though grieving is hard I welcome it. Not sure if others share that.
Sometimes it comes to me that way too, and it's a good thing: helps keep the soul working, I think. And you're doing the lord's work on hassling the streamers - thank you!
Resonates with me. My younger daughter just turned 20, buth I am the one moving out, starting a new chapter of my life by putting to the test how well my favorite city in the world will hold up when I actually live there ... while she will be joined back by her older sister and hold the fort here, so I know I can return after a year ... or not, depending how it goes. Very exciting, but with a tinge of the bittersweet of course. Or, as Rosenstolz sing, Ich bin ich - ah well, the song fits very well with these transition phases, it's all about knowing who you are at any given time. "Ich muss mich jetzt nicht finden, darf mich nur nicht verlieren" - I don't need to find myself right now, I just mustn't lose myself".
I'm very partial to Italian music for what you describe. I like the accent, the language's cadences, and I do understand single words and phrases, but no more, so if I don't try too hard to Sherlock the meaning, it's perfect writing and thinking background music. Nek is great for that, or 2021's Eurovision winners, Maneskin. Oh, and for a giggle-filled balmy evening on the porch, look up "I Belli di Waikiki", an Italian Tiki band. They sing in English, but with adorable accents. My favorite is "In the middle of the island", where the island becomes almost "highland" :)
Excellent - thank you for the recommends! And yes, I'm the same with French songs... I could parse it if I tried, but choose not to... so it just hangs there, just out of sight. I didn't know that was the meaning of that link in Ich Bin Ich (I can speak literally three words of German)... I love that.
I really hope the move goes well. I've often wondered about living in Paris, but fear that might compromise the unreasoning love I have for the place as an occasional visitor ;-)
Am I you? Are you me? The answer is: no, what a dumb question! But I can totally relate to your writing to the point that it almost feels personal to me. My son left for college two years ago and the ache in my heart was profound. I had exactly the same perspective: this is what is supposed to happen and it sucks.
I felt tremendous gratitude, but it was eclipsed by grief. My boy is home for the summer and I hug him all the time. It's a gift to be able to love someone and to see him thrive. It's also hard to let go.
But here's what you have ahead of you: every semester that your son comes home he will be different and wonderful in ways you never expected. He will tell you things you didn't know, laugh at jokes that he used to merely tolerate, and thank you for things he once took for granted.
Also, you will be able to take your hands off the wheel more and more. You'll be able to relax, knowing that your son is now steering his life. The possibility that this isn't all up to you (it never was anyway) will emerge and with it a greater sense of surrender. That's what happened and is happening to me, anyway, and it's been a good change.
I'm sorry about the frustration with writing. I have similar frustrations, though on a smaller scale.
Thanks for the upbeat foreign music. Here's one you might enjoy:
Thank you Sean — that's a beautiful perspective. I've said to Paula many times that it was only when I went to college myself that I was able to look back and see my parents as actual people, and my relationship with them immediately deepened enormously. It's very reassuring to hear there's so much possible good ahead.
I'm working on a flamenco show right now, so your Spanish music post was wonderful.
I wrote a really long response to you here, but it got eaten when I was re-prompted to sign in, I'm a little crushed about that. However it does force me to edit and condense.
How am I? I have been struggling with my anxiety over climate change. It's like a constant muttering voice, always present, always there, where is the rain, I miss the rain, where is the morning cloud cover, when will this heat wave end, why is no one talking about it, why is this air conditioned bus also blasting heat from the floor radiators and why won't anyone answer my very reasonable question about this glaring design flaw, I miss the rain, I miss the rain, when will it rain again..... favourite recent quote: "I know we're all pretty sick of living through significant historical events, but I'm glad to be here for the orca rebellion." @heather_chips
Anyway. I'm sorry about your dad. But I congratulate you on your son's academic achievements! That is something indeed.
The writers's strike! Starving them into submission. That's just obscene...
My cats are great although they hate it when I work long days, but I have AC, and I hire catsitters when I'm gone for more than 10 hrs, so they get playtime, speaking of which out of all the countless toys I have gotten, their current favourite is a brown piece of string, no not THAT string, THIS brown string, how dare you. My queen muted tortie, Miss Snoop, also is partial to one of the rotating toys that randomly turns on, and if I forget to turn it off when I go to bed, freaks me out in the middle of the night. My big guy, Jack, whose annoyed face is my profile pic (I woke him up messing around with my phone) is currently sleeping in the laundry basket.
How is your cat? Thanks, and also, One of Us is STILL not in the Canadian kindle store. lol sort of. Good thing I have a hard copy.
Our cats are in excellent form, thank you. One is crashed out under my desk right now. I have such unreasoning love for the little beings — each and every one of them. I've never had a dog but suspect it's not the same: with a cat you get what you get, and they do what they like, and it's your job and come to terms with it.
Thank you for your thoughts on dad and our son...
And climate change: yeah. It is kind of bizarre the way everybody keeps on keeping on. We had a very rainy winter here but now it hasn't for months, so basically that means lots of tinder for the upcoming fire season... sheesh.
The reason I love your writing.. all emotions, sad, happy, angry are so wonderfully expressed in humorous facts. One can’t learn that. It is a gift.
Inside my head it’s rather busy. Sometimes things run smoothly like traffic on a small country road but mostly things are jammed up, noisy and chaotic like, I imagine New York City to be. Drugs help but my peaceful and quiet little house is best. I listen to mainly classical and jazz when I cook however when driving it’s a different story. Air buds are blasting anything from Rammstein to ballads by Melanie and Dillon.
It’s winter here and I sit by the window and knit.. tell Nate that there’s a hat coming his way as it gets cold in Colorado. 😂
I don’t like visiting the issue of grief as it’s often combined with regrets. Not all families are/were happy.
My daughter and her husband have cats and are “weighted down with affection” .. cats and their humans are great. My son and his wife have a two year old daughter (after ectopic pregnancies of which you know a lot) with a gorgeous personality.. sits in her high chair in a restaurant and and shouts “where is my salad” made everyone crack up.
1300 miles to drive is nothing when you visit someone you love than having someone you love in the backseat for the journey. 😉❤️
Thank you... and you're so right: the length of any distance depends on how important it is to make it to your destination — and a loved one at the end of the road makes every journey more than worth the walk. It sounds like your music tastes are as eclectic as mine: my wife tries hard not to let me do playlists for parties on the grounds that people are just getting into one particular groove when I switch it to something else that feels the same to me... but to no-one else ;-) I'm glad it sounds like your families are rich with love: "where is my salad" made me LOL :-)
We are in the Adirondacks, and when the weather has not been pissing down it's been nice, and I've been busy building a boat or repairing an old boat or just going out on one of the boats. We have friends visiting, which is good, but it keeps me on my toes, ya know? So even if I have down time, I feel a nagging sense of things that I should be doing but am not.
I know empty nest entirely too well- when my youngest graduated high school we moved to the UAE for the next five years, so my sense of empty nest was compounded by being far from them. More than a decade later I still feel the lack of them in my house- I've all but given up on cooking as it's now just two of us. But as they've gotten older our times together have been far more adult, with beer or scotch shared and much laughter. The depression I felt from the sudden shift in my life has faded.
Grief... that is a tricky one. It's been five years since Dad died, and during that time I've had a huge mixture of feelings. Our relationship was not an easy one, but I do wish he were around to talk to nonetheless. We buried his ashes down at the shore, marked by a large stone, and now and then I have short conversations with him. Not always nice conversations, mind you...
And he is not the only one I still grieve over. My cat, who died a few years back, still brings tears if I think about her. I miss snuggling with her, and can still feel her tucked under my chin in bed. Recently I found a matted clump of her fur in the cloth I keep on the seat of my desk chair, and after a moment I put it back so she can always sit with me.
As for the strike, you know my position on that- full support. I'm hoping that the streaming services collapse and have to restructure, and that the guilds prevail. It's a shitty time to be in the creative industries.
Hey Paul... glad to hear the summer's broadly treating you well. And you are so right about pets, and for me cats in particular. When we moved to California we had two elderly cats and only realized part-way through the process they simply couldn't come with us. What a terrible wrench that was. One wound up living with my father for several years, however, which was a huge boon to him.
There's always changes happening, and even more ahead: I guess that's what keeps us sharp ;-)
My eldest turned three at the weekend and my youngest is only 6 1/2 months old.
But, I will be 38 this year, or 37 I can’t remember because it’s Friday and sometimes on Fridays there is whisky. (Whisky without the “e” you’ll note means I hail from a country where real whisky is made ;) ) I have spent a long time making my way in the world - and making my own mistakes.
I come from a place where I am dreading being asked for an iPhone. Or whatever the equivalent is some years from now. I come from a place where I hope I don’t need to tell my little girl in 10 years time that she needs to carry a rape alarm. I come from a place where I wish my children grew up in the eighties/nineties like I did before the internet subjected you to all sorts I didn’t know about until I hit my thirties.
But we will all weather this storm. Artists like myself, and you, will be even more sought after once people realise the failings of AI. I might inspire my children to get “real jobs” once they understand what mum does for a living (or at least what the government thinks is living wage).
We can only work with what we have, and send our children out into the world with our values and hope they can instigate the change we all hope for.
That's very true. Having children is a lot like being given temporary charge of an elemental force: feels like you can try to help shape their future direction, but ultimately they're going to pass through the now and into the next and a lot of where find themselves will be theirs to choose.
And you're right about this being a different kind of world. Part of what makes parenting to emotionally challenging are the various points where you cede "control" over input (to whatever limited degree you have it or even want it) to outside forces: the Internet yanks that away from us far earlier than our parents had to deal with. I hope that'll turn out okay in the end, and I hope and believe you're right about AI too. Humans like what humans do.
I remember feeling that weighty feeling of future unknowns when my kids were little. I also remember the physical exhaustion. My oldest two are grown. One thing that's really surprised me is how I’ve become more hopeful over the years, seeing possibility through their eyes.
Boobae sends her regards. She is happily paw licking and pausing and staring into the void and eliciting pats: consummate multitasker.
I wish that the writers could create their own fairy-tale ending to the troubles. A platforms that lets them know how successful their shows are - how well they are doing. Seems like such a simple basic ask.
Thanks for the music! I like baroque to write/ study to and Tom Waits to create to . His song - the piano has been drinking - reminds me of some of your writing. Due to the anthropomorphism and humor.
Cool thing that has happened recently - my research was approved to move forward!!! Happy days, cheers
Great news on the research — congratulations! And thank you for the reminder about Tom Waits... I've loved his music in the past but it's been a while since I've listened. I'll go back to it.
And yes, I'd love it if some streamer had the courage to break with the rest, start paying writers properly, account for their successes, and given some meaningful assurances about AI... but sadly I'm not sure i see that happening!
Oh, grief. A friend of mine, who was briefly my spouse in between longer periods of friendship, died last spring and this past year has been a weird, intense, uncomfortable period of grief that has brought up so much guilt and regret. But...back around Christmas I ran across a very funny tweet about a stained glass parrot chandelier, started following the writer, and since have read Only Forward, Hannah Green..., Bad Things, and and We Are Here, and I've collected a notebook full of quotes that help. So, thank you, very much.
Thank you — that's lovely to hear, and thank you for reading.
I'm very sorry to hear about your friend: it sounds as though they were a profound part of your life, and a multi-faceted one — the loss of that is bound to leave many open wounds for a while. I think/hope that grief is here to remind us how important people are, and to prove how (even if it sometimes doesn't feel that way, or can be complicated) deeply connected we are to them. I hope the more difficult feelings pass or at least become subsumed in that long and broader context. M
Thank you so much for those words: they have genuinely touched me.
Yes, the transition of a boy into a young man is both wonderful and heard to watch. How often have I wished I could have the little guy back, just for an afternoon. But it's more than recompense to see the independent person he's becoming, who will have new things to show and teach me as the baton of the future is gradually handed over.
I'm very fortunate to have nothing but great memories of my father, and also my mother, who died twenty years ago. My job now is to make sure that my son can say the same of me ;-)
Loved this. Didn’t listen to the 🎶 yet, will save for the daylight. Thanks. Susie
Hope you enjoy some of the music too!
I listen to a great deal of world music.
I'm mostly listening to Spanish flamenco or flamenco/jazz fusion,in straight flamenco im digging Cameron De La Isla...I bought La Leyenda del Tiempo,its his attempt to fuse traditional flamenco with rock music,its an acquired taste but excellent.
Huh — I'll give it a listen: thanks!
Michael, you are a good man. Your dad knew it, and your son knows it. Even your missus knows it, despite her occasional protestations to the contrary! That's about as much as any of us can aspire to in this life. Be proud.
That's really kind of you, Ian — and as you have known both those guys (and that girl), means a lot. Thank you.
On grief.
My mum died 17 years ago on Tues,even as I type I can feel tears welling,she died hard and in agony apart from her last hours,young too at 62.
In 4 more years I'll be that age,im not sure I want to go past it.
If I do I'll be swearing a lot-she once told me I could swear all I liked when im older than her.
I never really recovered from her death and now cry at the most ridiculous things-when Ted got torn in two in the movie TED,I was at a mates and they were all most amused at the tears running down my face.
Even just writing THIS has me bubbling ffs,anyway that looks like a job coming up so I got to go.
It's odd how it seems to create a well of grief that can be accessed by things that don't seem related. I suspect, in some way or other, that's a good thing. Hard though it can be at the time. And I feel you on the older-than thing: we must be the same age, as my mother died at 63, and I've only got five more years before that...
First of all, a year and a half is NOTHING when you lose someone you really love. It took me a good 3 years after my partner Steve died suddenly before that constant pain (usually low level with occasional awful peaks) starts to clear enough to allow little blue patches in the storm clouds. To watch a brave, articulate, strong man going through the process in real time, right now, follow Richard E. Grant on Instagram. His wife implored him to find 'little pockets of happiness' each day, no matter what. He's trying. It's so moving. After a few years the blue patches get bigger and more frequent and for me, it happened around the 5-6 year mark.
My sister Heather Cairncross has been singing Bach regularly with the Monteverdi Choir for many years now. (She also sings avant-garde modern British Music with Steve Reich, and Jazz with her own album). Sir John Eliot Gardner and his choir have been voted the 'Best Choir In The World' many times. I well remember my sister, brother and I falling asleep in Pisa Cathedral after a long boozy pasta lunch in the most amazing little 'hole in the wall' restaurant. She could see us all snoring away from the stage! Would you like me to ask for some recommendations?
The writers strike sounds terrible. I really don't understand how they really think AI will be able to replace human creativity. They'll try but there will be no soul.
Empty Nest syndrome is a real thing. It's not so much when they leave home (although adjustments will have to be made). I love your analogy of the series carrying on but shifting you and your wife back into centre stage. No, the real empty nest feeling comes when they meet their future life partner and you realise they are not relying on you anymore as confidantes and a second compass for life.
Tough times all round. I found the only thing that gets me through is creativity. Getting something out into the world that wasn't there before.
That's the thing that keeps me going, too. I'm so sorry you went through that with your partner: that's very, very hard — something I shudder to even contemplate.
I feel you're going to be right about the life-partner thing: that shift from being their bedrock to someone else occupying that position... and then eventually, it's their turn to look after you. Strange road we all end up walking down in our lives. But there's fun along the way.
If your sister has recommendations for choral Bach then I'd love to hear them! I know the piano and violin stuff passing well, but there's so much else out there to love...
Yes, here you go, she replied instantly with this. Enjoy! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bach-Motets-SDG716-Monteverdi-Choir/dp/B007NUP6GS/ref=asc_df_B007NUP6GS/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310856602747&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9971427712108885423&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006855&hvtargid=pla-717175597112&psc=1&th=1&psc=1
And if you like old style jazz vocals you will enjoy her album. You can listen on the website first. Visit https://heathercairncross.com/ (then click album). There's info about other world class classical stuff she performs, you might also enjoy the Steve Reich - it's oddly addictive.
Yes, it knocked me for six. All the cliches are true, it's psychic agony, so absolutely FINAL. They are so 100% GONE. 'Gone' is the word that kept echoing around my head, like a deep lone bell tolling over and over again. I wandered around my home town for six months, then someone offered me the loan of their house in Greece and my sister and I went to live there for six months. I stayed on afterwards for a few years, on and off. It definitely helped, changing my surroundings. Especially going to an ancient, rugged, beautiful landscape like The Mani, in Greece, just down the road from Sparta. When you know Helen of Troy has sailed up and down the Bay of Messinia and the 300 lived and trained years before, it kinda puts one death - no matter how important to me - in perspective.
I've read many of Richards tweets on the subject of his wife,the pain in his eyes is hard to see,I feel he's struggling and am very sad for him.
He's struggling bravely and eloquently, I wish he was writing daily as well, so therapeutic. He did write a book and take it on tour, so perhaps that's helping. I hope so.
Barra Barra! Haven’t heard that in ages! I have been cancelling my streaming sites (I hardly ever use them anyway) and stating the reason Other: pay your writers! I’m not sure what more one can do to help.
Grief is strange like that - but at some point I found that while you still get the feeling and it’s overwhelming it becomes a “gentle” reminder of the person and even though grieving is hard I welcome it. Not sure if others share that.
Sometimes it comes to me that way too, and it's a good thing: helps keep the soul working, I think. And you're doing the lord's work on hassling the streamers - thank you!
Resonates with me. My younger daughter just turned 20, buth I am the one moving out, starting a new chapter of my life by putting to the test how well my favorite city in the world will hold up when I actually live there ... while she will be joined back by her older sister and hold the fort here, so I know I can return after a year ... or not, depending how it goes. Very exciting, but with a tinge of the bittersweet of course. Or, as Rosenstolz sing, Ich bin ich - ah well, the song fits very well with these transition phases, it's all about knowing who you are at any given time. "Ich muss mich jetzt nicht finden, darf mich nur nicht verlieren" - I don't need to find myself right now, I just mustn't lose myself".
I'm very partial to Italian music for what you describe. I like the accent, the language's cadences, and I do understand single words and phrases, but no more, so if I don't try too hard to Sherlock the meaning, it's perfect writing and thinking background music. Nek is great for that, or 2021's Eurovision winners, Maneskin. Oh, and for a giggle-filled balmy evening on the porch, look up "I Belli di Waikiki", an Italian Tiki band. They sing in English, but with adorable accents. My favorite is "In the middle of the island", where the island becomes almost "highland" :)
Excellent - thank you for the recommends! And yes, I'm the same with French songs... I could parse it if I tried, but choose not to... so it just hangs there, just out of sight. I didn't know that was the meaning of that link in Ich Bin Ich (I can speak literally three words of German)... I love that.
I really hope the move goes well. I've often wondered about living in Paris, but fear that might compromise the unreasoning love I have for the place as an occasional visitor ;-)
Am I you? Are you me? The answer is: no, what a dumb question! But I can totally relate to your writing to the point that it almost feels personal to me. My son left for college two years ago and the ache in my heart was profound. I had exactly the same perspective: this is what is supposed to happen and it sucks.
I felt tremendous gratitude, but it was eclipsed by grief. My boy is home for the summer and I hug him all the time. It's a gift to be able to love someone and to see him thrive. It's also hard to let go.
But here's what you have ahead of you: every semester that your son comes home he will be different and wonderful in ways you never expected. He will tell you things you didn't know, laugh at jokes that he used to merely tolerate, and thank you for things he once took for granted.
Also, you will be able to take your hands off the wheel more and more. You'll be able to relax, knowing that your son is now steering his life. The possibility that this isn't all up to you (it never was anyway) will emerge and with it a greater sense of surrender. That's what happened and is happening to me, anyway, and it's been a good change.
I'm sorry about the frustration with writing. I have similar frustrations, though on a smaller scale.
Thanks for the upbeat foreign music. Here's one you might enjoy:
https://youtu.be/jlt1sGJj8ZM
That's beautiful, especially the third paragraph. Thank you!
Thank you Sean — that's a beautiful perspective. I've said to Paula many times that it was only when I went to college myself that I was able to look back and see my parents as actual people, and my relationship with them immediately deepened enormously. It's very reassuring to hear there's so much possible good ahead.
I'm working on a flamenco show right now, so your Spanish music post was wonderful.
I wrote a really long response to you here, but it got eaten when I was re-prompted to sign in, I'm a little crushed about that. However it does force me to edit and condense.
How am I? I have been struggling with my anxiety over climate change. It's like a constant muttering voice, always present, always there, where is the rain, I miss the rain, where is the morning cloud cover, when will this heat wave end, why is no one talking about it, why is this air conditioned bus also blasting heat from the floor radiators and why won't anyone answer my very reasonable question about this glaring design flaw, I miss the rain, I miss the rain, when will it rain again..... favourite recent quote: "I know we're all pretty sick of living through significant historical events, but I'm glad to be here for the orca rebellion." @heather_chips
Anyway. I'm sorry about your dad. But I congratulate you on your son's academic achievements! That is something indeed.
The writers's strike! Starving them into submission. That's just obscene...
My cats are great although they hate it when I work long days, but I have AC, and I hire catsitters when I'm gone for more than 10 hrs, so they get playtime, speaking of which out of all the countless toys I have gotten, their current favourite is a brown piece of string, no not THAT string, THIS brown string, how dare you. My queen muted tortie, Miss Snoop, also is partial to one of the rotating toys that randomly turns on, and if I forget to turn it off when I go to bed, freaks me out in the middle of the night. My big guy, Jack, whose annoyed face is my profile pic (I woke him up messing around with my phone) is currently sleeping in the laundry basket.
How is your cat? Thanks, and also, One of Us is STILL not in the Canadian kindle store. lol sort of. Good thing I have a hard copy.
Our cats are in excellent form, thank you. One is crashed out under my desk right now. I have such unreasoning love for the little beings — each and every one of them. I've never had a dog but suspect it's not the same: with a cat you get what you get, and they do what they like, and it's your job and come to terms with it.
Thank you for your thoughts on dad and our son...
And climate change: yeah. It is kind of bizarre the way everybody keeps on keeping on. We had a very rainy winter here but now it hasn't for months, so basically that means lots of tinder for the upcoming fire season... sheesh.
I *love* that quote about the orcas ;-)
Nice music. Last one was my favorite. Jordy Savall. Do you know his music? Lovely Baroque music! He plays an instrument, 4-500 year old one.
I don't! I'll go have a look... thank you!
Viola da gamba - amazing tone.
The reason I love your writing.. all emotions, sad, happy, angry are so wonderfully expressed in humorous facts. One can’t learn that. It is a gift.
Inside my head it’s rather busy. Sometimes things run smoothly like traffic on a small country road but mostly things are jammed up, noisy and chaotic like, I imagine New York City to be. Drugs help but my peaceful and quiet little house is best. I listen to mainly classical and jazz when I cook however when driving it’s a different story. Air buds are blasting anything from Rammstein to ballads by Melanie and Dillon.
It’s winter here and I sit by the window and knit.. tell Nate that there’s a hat coming his way as it gets cold in Colorado. 😂
I don’t like visiting the issue of grief as it’s often combined with regrets. Not all families are/were happy.
My daughter and her husband have cats and are “weighted down with affection” .. cats and their humans are great. My son and his wife have a two year old daughter (after ectopic pregnancies of which you know a lot) with a gorgeous personality.. sits in her high chair in a restaurant and and shouts “where is my salad” made everyone crack up.
1300 miles to drive is nothing when you visit someone you love than having someone you love in the backseat for the journey. 😉❤️
Thank you... and you're so right: the length of any distance depends on how important it is to make it to your destination — and a loved one at the end of the road makes every journey more than worth the walk. It sounds like your music tastes are as eclectic as mine: my wife tries hard not to let me do playlists for parties on the grounds that people are just getting into one particular groove when I switch it to something else that feels the same to me... but to no-one else ;-) I'm glad it sounds like your families are rich with love: "where is my salad" made me LOL :-)
I'm hanging in there.
We are in the Adirondacks, and when the weather has not been pissing down it's been nice, and I've been busy building a boat or repairing an old boat or just going out on one of the boats. We have friends visiting, which is good, but it keeps me on my toes, ya know? So even if I have down time, I feel a nagging sense of things that I should be doing but am not.
I know empty nest entirely too well- when my youngest graduated high school we moved to the UAE for the next five years, so my sense of empty nest was compounded by being far from them. More than a decade later I still feel the lack of them in my house- I've all but given up on cooking as it's now just two of us. But as they've gotten older our times together have been far more adult, with beer or scotch shared and much laughter. The depression I felt from the sudden shift in my life has faded.
Grief... that is a tricky one. It's been five years since Dad died, and during that time I've had a huge mixture of feelings. Our relationship was not an easy one, but I do wish he were around to talk to nonetheless. We buried his ashes down at the shore, marked by a large stone, and now and then I have short conversations with him. Not always nice conversations, mind you...
And he is not the only one I still grieve over. My cat, who died a few years back, still brings tears if I think about her. I miss snuggling with her, and can still feel her tucked under my chin in bed. Recently I found a matted clump of her fur in the cloth I keep on the seat of my desk chair, and after a moment I put it back so she can always sit with me.
As for the strike, you know my position on that- full support. I'm hoping that the streaming services collapse and have to restructure, and that the guilds prevail. It's a shitty time to be in the creative industries.
Hey Paul... glad to hear the summer's broadly treating you well. And you are so right about pets, and for me cats in particular. When we moved to California we had two elderly cats and only realized part-way through the process they simply couldn't come with us. What a terrible wrench that was. One wound up living with my father for several years, however, which was a huge boon to him.
There's always changes happening, and even more ahead: I guess that's what keeps us sharp ;-)
I’m at the beginning.
My eldest turned three at the weekend and my youngest is only 6 1/2 months old.
But, I will be 38 this year, or 37 I can’t remember because it’s Friday and sometimes on Fridays there is whisky. (Whisky without the “e” you’ll note means I hail from a country where real whisky is made ;) ) I have spent a long time making my way in the world - and making my own mistakes.
I come from a place where I am dreading being asked for an iPhone. Or whatever the equivalent is some years from now. I come from a place where I hope I don’t need to tell my little girl in 10 years time that she needs to carry a rape alarm. I come from a place where I wish my children grew up in the eighties/nineties like I did before the internet subjected you to all sorts I didn’t know about until I hit my thirties.
But we will all weather this storm. Artists like myself, and you, will be even more sought after once people realise the failings of AI. I might inspire my children to get “real jobs” once they understand what mum does for a living (or at least what the government thinks is living wage).
We can only work with what we have, and send our children out into the world with our values and hope they can instigate the change we all hope for.
That's very true. Having children is a lot like being given temporary charge of an elemental force: feels like you can try to help shape their future direction, but ultimately they're going to pass through the now and into the next and a lot of where find themselves will be theirs to choose.
And you're right about this being a different kind of world. Part of what makes parenting to emotionally challenging are the various points where you cede "control" over input (to whatever limited degree you have it or even want it) to outside forces: the Internet yanks that away from us far earlier than our parents had to deal with. I hope that'll turn out okay in the end, and I hope and believe you're right about AI too. Humans like what humans do.
I remember feeling that weighty feeling of future unknowns when my kids were little. I also remember the physical exhaustion. My oldest two are grown. One thing that's really surprised me is how I’ve become more hopeful over the years, seeing possibility through their eyes.
Boobae sends her regards. She is happily paw licking and pausing and staring into the void and eliciting pats: consummate multitasker.
I wish that the writers could create their own fairy-tale ending to the troubles. A platforms that lets them know how successful their shows are - how well they are doing. Seems like such a simple basic ask.
Thanks for the music! I like baroque to write/ study to and Tom Waits to create to . His song - the piano has been drinking - reminds me of some of your writing. Due to the anthropomorphism and humor.
Cool thing that has happened recently - my research was approved to move forward!!! Happy days, cheers
Great news on the research — congratulations! And thank you for the reminder about Tom Waits... I've loved his music in the past but it's been a while since I've listened. I'll go back to it.
And yes, I'd love it if some streamer had the courage to break with the rest, start paying writers properly, account for their successes, and given some meaningful assurances about AI... but sadly I'm not sure i see that happening!
Oh, grief. A friend of mine, who was briefly my spouse in between longer periods of friendship, died last spring and this past year has been a weird, intense, uncomfortable period of grief that has brought up so much guilt and regret. But...back around Christmas I ran across a very funny tweet about a stained glass parrot chandelier, started following the writer, and since have read Only Forward, Hannah Green..., Bad Things, and and We Are Here, and I've collected a notebook full of quotes that help. So, thank you, very much.
Thank you — that's lovely to hear, and thank you for reading.
I'm very sorry to hear about your friend: it sounds as though they were a profound part of your life, and a multi-faceted one — the loss of that is bound to leave many open wounds for a while. I think/hope that grief is here to remind us how important people are, and to prove how (even if it sometimes doesn't feel that way, or can be complicated) deeply connected we are to them. I hope the more difficult feelings pass or at least become subsumed in that long and broader context. M