Tales of the City

Things that almost happened

The Almost Central Station is one of the jewels of The City. Including within its structure a hotel for the use of foreign dignitaries, party members, and distinguished citizens, it was a source of great pride when it opened.

This was slightly diminished when it became clear that failures of communication between the departments responsible for planning and construction had led to the train track ending over a mile away, but Commissar Ultnik proclaimed this a useful opportunity for character-building physical exercise.

While this remains the official explanation for the geographical disparity, Ultnik has been reassigned to swine management in a re-education facility in the furthest reaches of Tenbiria, serving a contract of infinite duration.

In common with all residential neighborhoods in The City, this district has no official name: such designations were banned to discourage citizens from identifying with their place of rest rather than their place of work.

Nonetheless over time it became colloquially known as “H*7fr” and developed a reputation as an enclave of intellectuals and artists, despite the process by which citizens were randomly re-assigned a new dwelling every six months. The authorities responded with series of bloody purges, regardless of a complete lack of evidence for either artists or intellectuals amongst the inhabitants.

After the most recent adjustment in regime, and subsequent abandonment of the randomized allocation process, the district fell into disuse — before eventually being rehabilitated in recent months as an enclave of artists and intellectuals.

A new purge is scheduled for the weekend.

The Ministry of Words is responsible for monitoring and directing the use of language within The City, in order to promote best practices in patriotic communication.

Three years ago an over-enthusiastic under-commissioner accidentally uploaded the entire dictionary into the Local Censure Device. As a result, the use of all words was banned within the building. The situation has been under review since that time, occasionally conducted with assistance from officials from the Ministry of Mime.

In the meantime, in order to retain accreditation as a productive citizen, employees report for duty every morning, sit in silence all day, and then return home.

Initially a beloved recreation opportunity and source of pride for citizens of The City, Amusement Facility #4 suffered a critical blow to its reputation when the (at the time, briefly) popular Secretary Ublinski visited with his mother and pronounced it “fundamentally unamusing”.

For the subsequent fifty seven years, despite remaining open every day, and fully functional, it has received no visitors.

The Zofatiece chain of stores was founded under Secretary Balinski as a means of bringing foreign currency into the country. Stocking luxury goods not generally available elsewhere — like spoons — they soon also became the haunt of high-ranking party officials.

Reform under Balinksi’s successor Secretary Kutzfel decreed that such citizens should instead set an example, and thereafter the goods for sale within were generally of lesser quality than those for sale in standard stores.

Kutzfel’s successor Secretary Minz took the idea further by closing all the Zofatiece stores, while decreeing they remain in place forever as a reminder to resist the unpatriotic impulse of acquisitiveness.

These changes all took place within a single month.

The legality of religion within The City has remained unpredictable while the authorities continue to deliberate whether an opiate of the masses works against or to their advantage. The party line sometimes changes on an hourly basis.

As a result, while the celebrated St Sergey’s Cathedral currently remains protected as a heritage monument, priests — including aspiring or amateur ones — find it safer to take confession by visiting believers at their cars in nearby side streets.

During the Planned Great Famine IV, citizens were encouraged to seek means of inexpensive entertainment to distract them from the regrettable shortage of sustenance. This photograph shows Emilla Hiovsa doing her celebrated impersonation of the central portion of the Ministry of Ballet and Fighting.