The Plot of All Superhero Movies...

… as learned by a man getting glimpses of them on a plane.

Today’s “thing” is superhero movies, and I know I’ll disappoint some of you here. I’m sure there’s watchable examples of the genre — probably with Ryan Reynolds in them, as you get the sense he’s never taking anything seriously, which helps leaven the endless earnestness — but I simply don’t… get it.

Luckily I don’t have to miss out, because every time I’m on a plane it seems like half the people around me are watching one, often starting before the aircraft even leaves the ground — as if they’ve been impatiently waiting all day to get straight on it.

So here’s what I’ve learned. And hey, if you enjoy these movies, that’s great — we don’t all have to like the same things. If you’re convinced I’m wrong about this, feel free to suggest ones I should see, in the comments… but if I watch it and it turns out to be the same old bollocks, then I will hunt you down with a pointed stick.

There will be a battle in a street quite early on

Every time I glance up in the early stages of a flight, people around me will be watching a massive battle scene in some big city, with the superhero being bounced along the street while fighting some other superhero, who is new in town and being very naughty. This is a chance for the CGI people to set out their stall and say “Look, we’ve got tons of cool shit to throw at you, so don’t worry that the fact it’s all clearly done on a computer will mean it never feels real, or resonates emotionally”.

Standing talking sternly, often at length.

According to my calculations, approximately 124% of any given superhero movie will consist of the superhero standing still while in conversation with either the baddie, a friend, or some rando. Most of this time will be spent standing at a slight angle to their interlocutor, because it looks more heroic. Everybody will look very serious during this, to counter the fact that both dialogue and costume are faintly ridiculous.

Being told off by a young lady

The superhero will generally have a sidekick or foil. Sometimes these interactions are there to provide levity, if you’ll accept a broad definition of the term. Sometimes however it will involve the superhero being called to account. If the latter, it will almost always be a teenage girl doing the checking. She will be super-mad, and go on a bit, but it’s for the superhero’s own good.

The hero will spend some time being very sad

It’s not easy being a superhero. Baddies will try to kill you, even your so-called friends spend quite a lot of time lecturing you about your responsibilities, and meanwhile you’re forced to wear a costume that seems too tight to be comfortable and is bound to get you stared at in the supermarket. So there’s that. But generally there’s some sort of deep trauma involved, which is why there will be…

Back story. Loads of it. I mean, fucking tons.

Sometimes this will be about the superhero before they were super. Other times it will be that one time they used their powers and it all went tits-up, which is why they don’t want to use them any more, and thus refuse to do so until the third act. Either way it’ll go on far longer than seems absolutely necessary, as the film-makers try to convince you the story has more depth than “person with special powers beats other person who also has powers, but is bad”, even though it really doesn’t.

Sometimes there’s multiple superheroes, for God’s sake

Because superheroes are all friends, or enemies, or both, movies may feature a whole bunch of them fighting together, or against each other, or both. As many of the supers are played by actors who are already famous for being in their own superhero movies, allotting screen time is a complicated business. It is solved using the following equation. Unfortunately nobody knows what the letters mean.

Also some British actor who’s the baddie, or a mentor, or a mentor who has become a baddie, or vice versa.

Often it seems likely the source of these characters’ angst might be that they were once a respected stage actor and have only taken the gig because it’ll earn them more than fifty years of doing Hamlet in provincial theaters. Sometimes these people can genuinely act, which is good because a movie’s only ever as good as its villain, but also bad because it reveals that many of the other actors can’t.

It will be quite dark on screen sometimes

This is to show everybody that the director is very serious about all this, to give the CGI people a quick break before the big finale, and also probably to make it harder for sneery, smart-ass people like me to watch via other people’s screens on planes.

Somebody slightly important will die, predictably

A key part of being a superhero is having the sads, and so it’s not enough to have past trauma, someone close to you will have to go splat during the movie’s runtime too. This confers emotional weight to all the brightly-colored things whizzing around the screen, or might if it wasn’t usually blindingly obvious who the Dead Character Walking is going to be, the first time they appear. The death has to happen nonetheless, or the third act will never start.

Blue electrical fire things coming out of people’s hands, though sometimes they’re purple

All magic is blue, or purple, especially when being fired at other people. It’s just science.

The superhero will triumph or something

After three or four hours the climax of the movie will finally lurch into sight, the CGI people will wake up again and go berserk, and the superhero will be forced to stop all the heart-searching and standing around looking moody, and get busy being super instead. As a result good will prevail, and happiness will abound.

But then they will be sad again

Because of the lonely weight of responsibility.

And inevitable upcoming sequel.

Or prequel.

Or both.